I live in a house dominated by testosterone: three little boys and one big husband. Luckily, my foster daughter adds a bit of much-needed femininity to the house when she is not away at school. As the mother of young boys, I am determined to raise them to be open-minded, compassionate, curious, tolerant and sensitive (but not too sensitive...) human beings. In our household, we talk a lot about race, religion, sexual orientation, and ability. We also talk about respect, responsibility, patriotism and honor. I want them to ask hard questions and have strong critical thinking skills. My husband and I are decidedly liberal - socially and fiscally. We openly discuss why we are inspired by Barack Obama and why we do not agree with the Bush administration's decisions over the past eight years.
Our boys are young, James is six, Eamon is four and Gavin is eighteen months old. Our daughter, Raya, is eighteen, was born and raised in Afghanistan and has been living with us for two and a half years now. For everyone's benefit, we talk about major issues in the simplest terms possible. I am often delighted by the kids' innocent and funny questions about politics, our country, and other people's lives. My sense of joy when answering these questions often extends to the exchanges I have with our Afghan daughter. She approaches some things here in the U.S. with the eyes of a very young child because certain things are completely outside of her sphere of experience.
My favorite example of this "innocence" was a time last winter. We drove the family north to a holiday party hosted by one of my husband's closest friends - I'll call him Karl. He and his partner welcomed us into their home, and we had a wonderful time. After the party, Raya asked if Karl's partner was his brother. I explained that they were both gay and in a relationship with one another. She was puzzled, but then asked if they were related. I found myself explaining what “gay” means and telling her that their relationship was very similar to my relationship with my husband. She took that in and thought about it for a while. About half an hour later, she asked me what Karl and his partner would wear if they were to marry. I immediately thought of the options. They could wear whatever they wanted to wear; tuxedos if the wedding was formal, maybe shorts and flip flops if they married on a beach, or perhaps khakis and a button down if they had a casual ceremony. Raya wasn't totally satisfied with that answer, so she demanded to know "who would wear the dress?" It was an "ah ha!" moment for me. Homosexuality is not "allowed" to exist in Afghanistan, so Raya had never met a gay man (that she knew of). Her idea of a wedding was a man in a formal suit and a woman in a gown. So, of course, given her frame of reference, who would wear the dress?
Because of where we live and how we are raising our family, our boys have few fixed ideas about romantic relationships or marriages. Similarly, they don't see why people with different skins colors would be treated in a manner different than how they are treated. I remember James being totally incredulous when he learned about segregation in the US. He thought it was outrageously unfair that a black person would have to sit in the back of the bus or that black people could not eat in some restaurants. It's refreshing to hear them talk about people of different races, sexual orientations and abilities as if they were just people - not different people.
The following conversation was one I had with my six-year-old about a week ago. I was driving the crew home from a play date at the end of a long day.
As we are pulling out of the driveway:
James: Mom, you will NOT believe how many girls want to marry me!
Me: Wow, sounds like you are a lucky guy!
James: Yeah... Mom, can I marry two girls?
Me (holding back snarky comment about certain religious groups): Sorry - you can only marry one girl.
James: Well, Darlie really wants to marry me.
Me: You ARE lucky - she's smart, funny, cute - and I like her parents too!
James: I know (I can feel him rolling his eyes), you guys talk way too much. But Cate really wants to marry me too and I like her just as much.
Me (again): That's a hard one James. Cate's a total catch - smart, fun, pretty - and her parents are great too. Good choices for in-laws.
James (obviously annoyed with my focus on in-laws): Whatever Mom... so, I really can't marry two girls? Even if we are all really good friends and love each other?
Me: Sorry bud. You can only choose one girl.
James: OK - so two girls can get married if they love each other, right?
Me: Yes, they can.
James: Great! Then Darlie and Cate can marry each other and then I can marry just one of them and all three of us would be happy.
Me: Wow - excellent reasoning. James, you are just......
James: I'm classic, right mom?
Me: Yes, classic. Now pipe down and rest, it's late.
I love that he easily accepts that two women can marry each other – that love is the most important factor in the equation. And no, I don’t worry that he’s talking about marriage in first grade. I think it’s just what little kids do. Maybe Sarah Palin would like to speak with James. He’d probably be far more open to the idea of Bristol and her baby-daddy getting married than I am!
So, I guess we may not be the most non-judgmental parents. Nor do we hold our opinions to ourselves. Our kids are big Obama fans, wear their Obama buttons proudly and can tell people they like him: because he shows respect for others and wants to run America in a responsible way. They are excited to come to the polling station with me on November 4th and see what it’s like to vote. Both Eamon and James think it is totally unfair that they are not allowed to vote yet.
I’ll end this post with another funny James story (I have many!). At the beginning of every school day, his class does some creative writing exercises. Then, each child shares his/her story with the class and the class asks questions or critiques the writing. James’ teacher stopped me after school a few weeks ago to tell me about James’ story that day. Apparently, James wrote about a bird who flew to Texas and once there, met a lizard. The lizard was brightly colored and was also very smart. He was digging a hole in the ground and that hole was large enough to bury George Bush in it. The End.
That had me laughing for days. I guess James’ teacher knows which way our family leans…I do think it is my responsibility to let my children know what we believe and why. At least they are listening!
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7 comments:
Great post, I'd love it even if you didn't praise my daughter Cate.
I come from a mixed marriage - when I was a child, my father was a conservative Republican, my mother a moderate Democrat (she has now shifted further to the right than my father), so it is no wonder that I am now in my own mixed marriage. I hope that means my children will be able to open to hearing both sides of an argument, recognizing that decisions get made at different levels, and disagreeing doesn't mean you can't live together happily. But we are engaged in the process, which I think is the biggest lesson of all.
Stumbled across your blog from a segment on Talk Of The Nation today.
Great stories! I don't have kids, but my sister does, and we (she and I) often discuss issues like this; how to promote critical thinking, sensibility, empathy and lots of other good things.
Personally, I wish people of every political stripe valued them. I think they believe that they do - but I've found that the older I get, the more I find people who feel critical thinking means "being critical of things I don't agree with".
Good luck :)
I love your stories about the conversations with your son. I can identify. My son, Eamon, is 12 and we have had many eye-opening conversations over the years. I am never surprised when he asks probing questions, just caught off-guard sometimes because he is what I refer to as a "processer" and it may take a few days to a few weeks before the questions come up. Then I have to rack my brain, and feebling memory, to remember the context of our prior conversation.
Thanks for the chuckles.
Thanks for the post and your openness. Kids are the best aren't they?
One comment: what exactly do you have against bigamy. I know it is generally considered taboo, but maybe something you should reconsider. Where do you draw the line between guys getting married and a triad who truly love each other?
Great post. And because you are talking about marriage, and gay marriage, it's worth noting the heated California battle over proposition 8, a ballot initiative that would eliminate marriage for same sex couples.
For the life of me, I don't understand why there needs to be a Prop 8. I don't understand why same-sex marriage threatens my own marriage. I genuinely try to understand where people are coming from — the notion that my marriage must be "protected" from your friend Karl's relationship — and I can't.
Anyway, you can learn more here: http://www.noonprop8.com/ and maybe donate $$ while you're there.
I always LOVE reading stories of "what children say..." They ARE innocent, and take things for what they are. I'm currently carrying a baby for a gay couple and like Raya wanting to know "who wears the dress", my 5-yr-old is trying to figure out "who's gonna be the mom?". He's fine with the baby having 2 dads, but where's the mom? He knows it's not me (they used an egg-donor), but that's his only question... so far! There are a few people around me that are not thrilled (to say the least) with what I'm doing, but I feel that it's more the issue of them not knowing what to tell their own children about it. I agree with all of you, that "open-minded" is the way to go... from the day they are born!
Dear Anonymous,
Congrats on being a surrogate! You are giving that couple an amazing and priceless gift. I was an egg donor for a gay couple soon after my first son was born. There was so much love that that family had to give! I certainly weathered plenty of criticisms from people who knew what I was doing - but received a lot of great support too. Also, speaking to the 'open-minded' parenting theme - from an egg donor's stand point - and, I'd imagine, from a surrogate's too - these parents had to be COMPLETELY open with their child from the earliest stages simply because they were two men and needed "help" having a child.
Good luck - I wish you a safe and easy delivery!
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